31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 21

#21. Someone or something I know I should have let go a long time ago is…

I should have let go of my ex-boyfriend Julian Hagel a long time ago.  Not that I’m sitting here pining over him, that would never happen.  But I should let go of all those negative emotions he gave me when we were going out.  I should have let go of all the pain, all the insecurities, and all the self-hatred he put me through.  If I had let go of all that long ago, I probably wouldn’t be so unsure all the time.  I would probably have more confidence in my day-to-day life.  I would definitely be able to trust people, especially men, a lot easier.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to let all that go, I suppose it’s easier to hate him, to be angry at him.  I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to forgive him.  Slowly I’m starting to learn how to forget him, but I guess moving on and accepting life as it is feels harder than it should be, and I guess I’ve gotten used to those feelings he brought me.  I think that forgetting what he did, and how he made me feel, would mean I’d be free to accept myself completely, and to love myself as I am.  And maybe I just haven’t been ready for that, maybe deep down inside I still believe it when he said no one would love me, and that I’m not worthy.  I guess holding on to his negativity gives me a reason to not like myself, an excuse almost.  Because I’m just not sure if I’m ready to really accept myself, maybe I’m a self-saboteur.  Maybe deep down I don’t want to be happy, or I’m too afraid to let myself be happy, or that I don’t think I’m worthy.

Maybe if I had let go of all this long ago, I would be more comfortable meeting people.  I get awkward trying to meet a guy, I stare at the floor and feel awkward and out of place.  Dating has a been a bitch since we went out, because I have no more confidence.  Sure, as time goes on, I’ve been a bit better.  I’ve even been a bit more comfortable with the thought of dating, that I’ve even started using dating sites.  But, if I had let go of all these negative emotions earlier, I probably would be better at the whole dating scene.

This is all speculation though, I think overall there are some things you never really get over.  Some people you never really forgive.  I think it’s just coming to terms that it’s never going to change, and moving on.  I may never forget what happened, I may never forgive him, but I’m comforted to know that slowly I am moving on, and learning to accept myself, as hard as that may be.

For those of you wondering what the hell I’m talking about, here’s where I explain a bit more about what happened and my overall feelings of the situation: February Reminds Me of You & I Hate It.


31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 20

#20. The book that I read that has altered my perception of life is…

I haven’t really read a book that has drastically altered my perception of life to be honest with you.  I read a novel, and enjoy it, and then it’s over.  Plus, I don’t sit and read books all the time, I read a lot of articles from magazines, or online, or poetry, but I’ve been reading fewer books.  I guess even though I enjoy reading and want to read more, I feel bad sitting around reading all day, like I’m being lazy.  Which is ridiculous, because I will gladly sit around and watch movies or television shows all day if I could.  I’m odd.

But for the sake of the question, I’m going to have to answer The Shining.  First off, it was the first “adult” novel I read, as in I was 13 when I read it, and it was the first piece of adult fiction that I really read (unless you count the Hobbit, but the Hobbit is really for every one of all ages, and plus we carry it in the 9-12 section as well as Fantasy in my store, so I count it for everyone).  To me, I guess it helped propel me towards my adult life, separating my maturity level from those of my age group.  It was also the first horror novel I had ever really read, and the first horror anything I ever enjoyed.  Did this book drastically alter my perception of life?  No, but I suppose it has influenced my tastes, my writing style and narrative, and what types of media I enjoy.  Plus, it is that one book I read almost every year, and it is something I really enjoy and continue to enjoy each time I read it. 

So that may not be the best answer, but that’s the best I can give.

31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 19

#19. The longest period of time I’ve gone without showering or bathing is…

Three days?  I’m not really too sure.  I shower pretty much every other day, if not every day.  I’m gonna guess three for times when I may have gone camping or when I was younger and don’t really remember anything too much. 

To be honest, I don’t really go camping anymore, and I don’t really like camping – so I couldn’t even really use that as an excuse.  But yeah, I shower regularly.  Are you implying I’m dirty question?  Because I take offence to that. 

What?  You’re sorry?  It’s too late for apologies!  I take my personal hygiene personally, and if you don’t understand that question, well, then I guess this isn’t going to work out.  *Sobs uncontrollably*.

I hate break-ups.

Showering/bathing = Ewan McGregor in a towel. What? It totally is relevant to the question!

31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 18

#18. The most outrageous thing I would do for a Klondike bar is…

I’m going to start off by saying I’m not a huge fan of Klondike bars.  There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re ok, but in reality the most outrageous thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to go out and buy one.  But for the sake of the question, I’ll make up something interesting!

Let’s see…Oh I know!

I’d cut off my baby toe.  Clean off.  Clean as a whistle.  That little piggy would not be going “wee, wee, wee” all the way home, let me tell you.  And trust me, it would friggen hurt.  But don’t worry about my balance, it’s terrible to begin with, there won’t be much of a difference.

Now give me my Klondike bar. 

By the way, yes I realize this isn’t the most outrageous thing one can do for a Klondike bar, but I’m not that outrageous.  I’m vanilla.

31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 17

#17. Given the choice between giving up sex for the rest of my life or giving up kissing, I would choose…

Hard question, because at the moment it seems I’ve given up both *sigh*.  Thanks question for making me feel bad!  Geeze!!

I suppose sex though.  I’ve gone long enough without it that I know I can do it.  Kissing just means that I have a chance to have intimacy with someone, something I haven’t had in a really long time.  If I had to give that up, I’d just be having casual sex, and I really am not too much of a fan of it.  It’s not for me, I feel very uncomfortable with it.  To be honest, I’m not much of a kissy type person either.  I’ve never really enjoyed it like some people do – sure it’s nice, but it’s not my favourite thing to do.  I dunno, maybe I’ve just been unfortunate with my “kissing partners” so to say.

I really love cuddling, spooning, and just being close to someone.  I guess if I had to give up either kissing or sex, at least I know I can still spoon!