This Thing They Call Love Is Gonna Make You Cry – Love Stinks!

I’m beginning to lose faith in this thing called “love”.  Love to me feels like a myth, a tall-tale, a story passed through generation to generation – a nice story to fantasize about.  Maybe it’s like how some people don’t believe in ghosts, or angels – if you never experience it,  you never really believe.  So logically, how am I expected to believe in something I have never experienced?  And it’s looking like I will never experience.

I’m one of those unlucky bastards who never really have a long-term relationship.  I’ve had boyfriends sure, but nothing I’d ever really call a positive experience – experiences none-the-less, but nothing I look back on and say “gee, I miss that”.  When I look at those who claim to have been in love, I see nothing but the pain that it’s brought them, and wonder why bother? 

When I’m trapped inside myself, loneliness is my companion and I am stuck with the burdens of myself.  Do those who claim to have love merely seek out a person they can stand to be around that will dull the voices inside their heads, telling them their own doubts about themselves?  Do these people seek out something to make them feel whole?

I’ve sought out someone to fill that emptiness inside my heart that we all have, and all I find is more self-doubt and insecurities.  Either I mess up the situation so badly that it is ruined, or I am not good enough to fill someone else’s void.  I’ve been so obsessed with this societal quest to find “the one”, that I’ve even joined an online dating site.  Sure, it’s great to get out there, meet new people.  Except, meeting new people and opening yourself up is definitely a risk to get hurt badly.  Some people say that if you don’t take that risk, you’ll never find something great.  Well, I’ve taken a lot of risks, and have yet to find that “something great”.

"Love Stinks" by Mario Nette aka wheepingguitar on deviantart.com

So I’ve been asking myself, why am I bothering?  When I do find someone who actually likes me for me, I’m such a fucked up moron that when I find these people I can’t seem to feel an attraction for them, or I completely shut down because I know if I open myself up to them I’m going to soon feel that ripping pain that comes with that notion of “love”.  And then I allow myself to be drawn to men who are completely uninterested in me in every way, and let them use me for sex and throw me away when they’re done.  And I can blame these men all I want, but deep down it’s my own fault for letting myself be treated this way, and having no self-respect.  I keep running circles in my head, asking myself why I am attracted to these men, the men who sleep with me, and tell me how great I am, and then leave me hanging as they date a thinner, more attractive woman.  Or I meet this nice, interesting, attractive guy, who is afraid to even have a cup of coffee with me as a friend.  Or I ask out that cute coffee-man, and he doesn’t have the nerve to tell me he’s not interested.  I wonder to myself, am I that awful that none of these man will give me the chance to get to know me?  Am I so unattractive that these men are ashamed to be seen with me?  Is it me?  Is it them?  And no one’s to blame, these people are not bad people, I just seem to go for the ones that want nothing to do with me it seems.

How can I have self-respect when every time I open up I get trampled on?  And then when I finally bring up my self-confidence, and begin to feel good about myself – on my own, I may add – those around me question why I don’t have a companion, like it’s an abomination to be alone.  And I almost let myself believe that I am abnormal for liking being alone, I start to convince myself that it’s not right, that I need someone to make me happy.

Well, I’m going to stick to my mantra, the same mantra that has helped me get through some tough times in my life.  Repeat it with me: Fuck it. 

Fuck it.  That is precisely what I’ll do.  I’m done searching for love, it is my Moby Dick, and if I’m not careful it’ll be my downfall.  I don’t need love to make me happy, and anyone who believes they need it to be happy is full of it.  You can find happiness in anything if you look hard enough, and I’m tired of obsessing over a lost-cause.  Maybe I’ll be lucky though – like if I lost my keys and search for them for hours with no avail, but when I stop looking for them I find them in the most obvious place.  Maybe when I give up hope and move on, maybe that’s when something will surprise me.

Until then, I say “Fuck It”.  I’ve never needed a man to make me happy, I’ve never needed to be in love to be complete.  And that’s not going to change.

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8 thoughts on “This Thing They Call Love Is Gonna Make You Cry – Love Stinks!

  1. How did I miss this post? The notification has been in my spam box and I just saw it … You have no idea how much your emotions and thoughts here resemble with mine … Well, as much as I appear as a ridiculously romantic soul, I think I’ve got to the conclusion that love is only for the poems and the stories, for the movies and the songs … in real life it seems to slip away every time I think I’ve found it! You stay strong honey! better days will come for all of us! Hugs!

  2. I completely agree. You don’t need anyone to complete you or to be happy.

    Alone time is good – it gives you a chance to get to know yourself better and to do things you like without the input of anyone else. Somtimes it’s just nice to do things for yourself.

    This was such a great post – standing up for all the happily single people out there. I loved the wedding singer ref.:)

    • 🙂 I knew of all people you for sure would understand! See, I’m going on dates and such, but I find it comforting to know that I dont need to to feel fulfilled or needed.

      I love the Wedding Singer, especially that part, soo good.

  3. I really responded to the part of people around you asking why you are alone, like its a bad thing. As we are kindred spirits I too like my alone time, and I agree with you that you don’t need love, or need someone else to be happy, to be complete. You can find what you get in a relationship through your friends, and through yourself, you don’t need somebody else to find, a companion to find that. ❤

  4. Ah! I recognise this in myself so much! You don’t need someone else to make you happy…but they make it easier. I’m so interested to see what else you write,

    • Thanks for stopping by :). Sure, it makes it “easier”, but it also makes it harder to find happiness when they fuck you over and leave you. Sorry just a bit bitter at the moment.

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