#22. As to whether or not I have ever contemplated giving up on life, my answer is…
Yes. I think that thought of “would people really notice if I were gone” has crossed the thoughts of many people, whether it be for just a split second, or for a thought that lingers on longer than it should. Maybe a year ago I would never admit it, but now, I do, I admit that this thought has crossed my thoughts before.
There was a time in my life where I felt like I was very alone. I lived in a home of endless noise, cramped into a place to live with people who talked over one another, never to be heard. I had many friends, and at one point I trusted nearly none of them. The feelings I had continued over to my first year of college, which is when I ended contact with quite a few people, out of frustration, or out of apathy. Some people stopped talking to me, and I stopped talking to others. And though I did have friends, and had people around me that I cared about and loved, I felt very alone still.
Eventually I dug myself into a hole, and I came to a point where I felt like I could continue digging – and dig myself a grave, where I would truly be with my loneliness, my doubts, and my unhappiness. Or I could climb out of the hole, go through these struggles alone, and hopefully come back to sturdy ground ready to ask for help. I don’t want to go into details about what happened, but I feel that as I struggled to climb, I did see the “light” (so cliché I know). And things seem brighter now than they ever have.
Sure, I have those bad days, or weeks, or months, where it feels like it’d be easier to just start digging again, to shut down and give up. But ultimately, I don’t like quitting, I don’t like giving up. I’m one of those people who will sit there and untangled a bunch of wires or clothes hangers for hours on end, a task many may have given up on, just because I know that with patience I can do it. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass, and I’m doing it on my own, but when it’s done, I feel accomplished with it. I kind of approach my life that way. I don’t mind taking the time to work on my life, even if it feels like it’d be easier to give up sometimes, because I know there’s something better to work towards.