#21. Someone or something I know I should have let go a long time ago is…
I should have let go of my ex-boyfriend Julian Hagel a long time ago. Not that I’m sitting here pining over him, that would never happen. But I should let go of all those negative emotions he gave me when we were going out. I should have let go of all the pain, all the insecurities, and all the self-hatred he put me through. If I had let go of all that long ago, I probably wouldn’t be so unsure all the time. I would probably have more confidence in my day-to-day life. I would definitely be able to trust people, especially men, a lot easier.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to let all that go, I suppose it’s easier to hate him, to be angry at him. I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to forgive him. Slowly I’m starting to learn how to forget him, but I guess moving on and accepting life as it is feels harder than it should be, and I guess I’ve gotten used to those feelings he brought me. I think that forgetting what he did, and how he made me feel, would mean I’d be free to accept myself completely, and to love myself as I am. And maybe I just haven’t been ready for that, maybe deep down inside I still believe it when he said no one would love me, and that I’m not worthy. I guess holding on to his negativity gives me a reason to not like myself, an excuse almost. Because I’m just not sure if I’m ready to really accept myself, maybe I’m a self-saboteur. Maybe deep down I don’t want to be happy, or I’m too afraid to let myself be happy, or that I don’t think I’m worthy.
Maybe if I had let go of all this long ago, I would be more comfortable meeting people. I get awkward trying to meet a guy, I stare at the floor and feel awkward and out of place. Dating has a been a bitch since we went out, because I have no more confidence. Sure, as time goes on, I’ve been a bit better. I’ve even been a bit more comfortable with the thought of dating, that I’ve even started using dating sites. But, if I had let go of all these negative emotions earlier, I probably would be better at the whole dating scene.
This is all speculation though, I think overall there are some things you never really get over. Some people you never really forgive. I think it’s just coming to terms that it’s never going to change, and moving on. I may never forget what happened, I may never forgive him, but I’m comforted to know that slowly I am moving on, and learning to accept myself, as hard as that may be.
For those of you wondering what the hell I’m talking about, here’s where I explain a bit more about what happened and my overall feelings of the situation: February Reminds Me of You & I Hate It.