31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 21

#21. Someone or something I know I should have let go a long time ago is…

I should have let go of my ex-boyfriend Julian Hagel a long time ago.  Not that I’m sitting here pining over him, that would never happen.  But I should let go of all those negative emotions he gave me when we were going out.  I should have let go of all the pain, all the insecurities, and all the self-hatred he put me through.  If I had let go of all that long ago, I probably wouldn’t be so unsure all the time.  I would probably have more confidence in my day-to-day life.  I would definitely be able to trust people, especially men, a lot easier.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to let all that go, I suppose it’s easier to hate him, to be angry at him.  I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to forgive him.  Slowly I’m starting to learn how to forget him, but I guess moving on and accepting life as it is feels harder than it should be, and I guess I’ve gotten used to those feelings he brought me.  I think that forgetting what he did, and how he made me feel, would mean I’d be free to accept myself completely, and to love myself as I am.  And maybe I just haven’t been ready for that, maybe deep down inside I still believe it when he said no one would love me, and that I’m not worthy.  I guess holding on to his negativity gives me a reason to not like myself, an excuse almost.  Because I’m just not sure if I’m ready to really accept myself, maybe I’m a self-saboteur.  Maybe deep down I don’t want to be happy, or I’m too afraid to let myself be happy, or that I don’t think I’m worthy.

Maybe if I had let go of all this long ago, I would be more comfortable meeting people.  I get awkward trying to meet a guy, I stare at the floor and feel awkward and out of place.  Dating has a been a bitch since we went out, because I have no more confidence.  Sure, as time goes on, I’ve been a bit better.  I’ve even been a bit more comfortable with the thought of dating, that I’ve even started using dating sites.  But, if I had let go of all these negative emotions earlier, I probably would be better at the whole dating scene.

This is all speculation though, I think overall there are some things you never really get over.  Some people you never really forgive.  I think it’s just coming to terms that it’s never going to change, and moving on.  I may never forget what happened, I may never forgive him, but I’m comforted to know that slowly I am moving on, and learning to accept myself, as hard as that may be.

For those of you wondering what the hell I’m talking about, here’s where I explain a bit more about what happened and my overall feelings of the situation: February Reminds Me of You & I Hate It.


13 thoughts on “31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 21

  1. I still get all twitchy when I think about how he treated you.

    Like Tom I am comfident that you will in time be able to move past it and I think it will make you stronger in the end. I hope that you are able to find someone who will treat you with kindness and respect. Love you:)

  2. It is so horrible what you when through with him, but I am happy that you have been able to move on and find happiness. It is hard to let go of things, especially things as difficult as he put you through, but u have really gotten yourself to a good place with friends who love u.

  3. I personally believe it takes two to tango. I strongly believe guys mess up girls all the time but younger men know not what they’re doing, usually until it’s too late, until they get older or after a woman puts them in place – isn’t that always the way?

    It’s your fault, and I say it with a grain of salt but it is cause there was an instinctive moment that gave you your first red flag, but you didn’t listen to your heart. He just wasn’t meant for you, he really didn’t love you, unless you were a complete ‘mad woman’ which I completely doubt you were.

    So! The lesson? Follow your heart when it comes to guys – I’m not talking about being too picky (many girls confused that) I’m talking about red flags – when they pop up, run!

    • I was never denying that there is some fault to put on me, that I should have “known” better than to stay in that situation. But, I was fucking 14 years old, dealing with someone who abused me both physically and emotionally – I didn’t know what to do. When I did, I left and I was better for it.

      Your argument that it’s my fault is in fact faulty, you say it takes two to tango but you’ve made no strong argument to change my perspective. You don’t know me, or if you did you’d know how easy it is for me to take the blame for something. Usually I am at fault, but I’m not going to let some stranger tell me it’s MY fault that someone treated me like that.

      The only fault I have in this situation is not having the experience to know who and who not to trust – which I dont think is something to really “blame” someone for.

      • Well! 14!!! Well in that case, it’s ALL his fault and not yours – I have to agree and couldn’t deny it.

        And considering he abuse you at that age is even worse.

        I don’t think at 14 we have those kind of ‘red flag’ instincts I spoke of, you’re right – we’re just beginning to refine them at that age and what do we know?? Very little other than almost un-conditional love.

        Well forgive my comments and be happy that at least I said them (whilst others may have been thinking that) and now you clarified it.

        I agree with you.

        • I mentioned it quite a while ago, on a previous post (i posted it at the bottom of the post).

          Thank you for taking the time to come back and recomment though, I do appreciate it.

          If I had never had that happen to me, and then a similar person came into my life now, I’m not sure I’d be as strong to deal with it as I am now. So though it is a shame that it happened, there’s always something good to come from a bad situation.

          Now, with some of my other exes, and bad feelings that I may or may not have, I’m happy to admit that the relationships didnt work from at least a 50/50 standpoint, if not 60/40 (on my part in some situations).

          Again, thank you with coming by and your honesty :).

        • Oh, and by “happy” I mean I’m not ashamed to admit it…man, early morning shifts without coffee really do take a toll on my brain! lol.

  4. People can really leave an indelible mark on our lives for good and for bad. I’m more than confident that eventually you will be able to move past this. We both know it could take time and patience.

    Take good care of yourself from here on in and let no one determine how you feel about yourself ever again, my friend!

    • I”m glad one of us is confident! haha. By the way, if you have a facebook, my blog has a fanpage, if you just search under the name of my blog you can find it :).

      Take care of yourself as well :)!

  5. I won’t press the LIKE button here, because is not nice to like a post where you share your pain. I don’t like that Julian guy, I think I’ve said that when I first read the post “February reminds me of you …” Hang in there dear, it will all go away, with time, it will all fade away … Lots of virtual hugs :)!

    As for what I should’ve let go long time ago, that would be my naive belief in people … 🙂

    • Don’t worry, lots of people don’t like him haha. More or less, I feel sad for him, because he’s that unhappy that he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

      Lots of virtual hugs right back at you!

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