Poetry Thursday #40

Another week, another Poetry Thursday!  I wrote a few poems in the past few weeks, and now that I’m making this post I’ve come to the realization that I’m not very happy with them.  Well it’s more the second one, but I am a stickler for detail.   I think it’s missing something, but I haven’t figured out what yet.  This will probably be a poem that sometime in the future I’ll rework and share again.   And I suppose sharing it while it’s like this won’t kill me, feedback is always a good way to see what people think.  Anywho, enough incoherent ramblings, enjoy!  Let me know what you think!  And I hope everyone has a great day! 

When I Left
Fingerprints buried in the dust,
memories lost – faded away.
Echoes – voices, begging to stay,
yearning for what I cannot trust.

My cheeks stained with forgotten tears.
This broken heart beats with regret
of what I cannot forgive or forget;
my mistake ringing in my ears.

Taunted by all I left behind,
aching to have you just once more –
to feel your love within my core.
Haunted by what I cannot find.

"Left Behind" by Laurentiu Gabriel aka lentziu on deviantart.com

Briar Rose
My heart is sleeping,
drifting by in this dream.
I am silently weeping
for I cannot scream.
For his kiss I wait,
aching for one to hold dear.
Lonely sleeping in this fate,
alas, my prince is not here.

"Kiss Me" by Esme Rose Johnson aka rosaliebriar on deviantart.com

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12 thoughts on “Poetry Thursday #40

  1. I love both these poems. I like how the second one is short and sweet, almost somthing fairtale like about it (which the prince reference really helps with) I got the feeling of castle walls and rose thorns.

    The first one I liked alot, the imagery was great.
    “Fingerprints buried in the dust,
    memories lost – faded away.”

    This was my favourite part, really put a clear image in my head. This poem however didn’t feel finished to me. At the end I felt like I was waiting for somthing else to be said. I don’t really know anything about poetry so this is totally my interpretation of what you wrote. Other than the ending I liked everything else about the poem and where it was going.

    Both poems are better then you think, (in my opinion) but of course you are entitled to be critical of your own work.

    • Thanks Saber for your insighftul comment! I agree though, the first one definitely doesn’t feel finished. Maybe it was that longing that I was feeling when I wrote it – I couldn’t express what I felt, but tried to anyways. Maybe one day when the fog lifts I’ll be able to finish it :).

      Thanks again!

  2. What I love about your poetry is that there is a timelessness about them. I really feed off the emotions expressed through the words and I always find that the words tend to tranport me to different places in time, its a very lovely sensation. When writing can transport me, and make me envision a new place I simply love it!

    Wonderful as always!!

  3. I like them both. I do understand how you feel about not being satisfied with a particular work. There is a lot of regret and pain in When I Left. If you put kiss in any poetry I immediately and drawn to that one, so I like the second one the best. I like how you express yourself through your poetry.

    I hope you get better soon.

    • I think both poems reflect a certain type of loneliness that I can’t really find the right words for, and as much as I try to write a poem to reflect it, I’m never satisfied. But I’m glad you enjoyed them 🙂

      Thanks!

  4. Coffee and Thursday poetry from you, wonderful morning for a person at home with flu./smiles/

    “When I left” – I love the idea of this one. Leaving someone and the aftermath. The tears and the sad memories the hint of mistake you wouldn’t do again, supposedly.
    To me the poem had very nice flow, maybe just that line “my mistake ringing in my ears.” has a different sound, is not that is a bad line, it’s just sounds different than the rest. How about something like .. “the murmur of mistakes in my ears”?
    But you know I’m not an expert here so feel free to ignore my suggestion, this just because you asked for feedback…

    “Briar rose” – the image is so sweet you chose for it. Gives the eye something to be happy about. The poem is perfect, short, simple and right to the point. May you find your prince, soon!

    Thank you for sharing this Cherlyn! Lovely as always!

    • I like your suggestion – thanks! I’ll make note of it for whenever I end up reposting it :).

      And I’m definitely no expert either, I think we both just write from the heart 🙂

      • I second Blaga, Cherlyn. Her suggestion is excellent.

        Having said that, I like these both very much. I enjoyed them, appreciate the sentiments expressed (we’ve all been there, huh?), and I do like the perfect photographs you chose to illustrate with. Altogether, well done.

        I don’t see that you are involved in Jingle Poetry, but in last Sunday’s Dispatch, I interviewed the English poet, Myra Schneider. Given what you said here about working with your poetry, I think you might find her advice helpful:
        http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/2011/01/sunday-rally-dispatch-01092011.html

        There’s a lot in the post. You’ll have to scroll down to “Advice for Poets” to read her interview.

        On the run now, but I’ll be back before the end of the weekend to mine more of your wonderful posts. Thanks for these lovely poems, Cherlyn. Have a great weekend.

        Jamie

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