Singlehood and Craving Intimacy

As much as I’d like to pat myself on the back for being single, and for being a strong, independent woman who “doesn’t need a man”, there are moments that just make all my fronts and walls crumble. It’s not that I don’t have moments where I absolutely love not being in a relationship – the little things like not having to be “accountable” to anyone, to not have to constantly worry about what the other person thinks about, and all the little annoyances that come with the start of the new relationship. Or just being able to hang out by myself, do my own thing, to have my only focus be myself (which I admit, can be a bit selfish, but we all need to be a bit selfish once in a while). I do enjoy being single at times, but there are times when it becomes a heavy burden.

It’s just those little moments that kind of just happen, the little things I notice or think about when I’m alone that get to me. Like when I eat at a restaurant alone, and just try to remember what it’s like to be on a date. It’s been so long I’ve almost forgotten. To hold hands, the random hugs. Hell, even the lack of regular sex is something that has been trying to me as of late.

As I write this, I just had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend, whom I’ve reconnected with and have started to form what I hope will be a nice, mature friendship (and by the looks of it, it’s going very well, so I’m happy). This will probably be posted sometime in the future, when I’m not sure, but this was fresh in my mind, so I thought I’d write it before the feeling was hidden away again. We talked about relationships, and the topic of sex came up. We both realized that what we missed from relationships wasn’t the regular sex (though it is a very nice part of a relationship), but that we missed intimacy. And that’s when I realized that’s what has been eating me up lately, what has been plaguing my thoughts and mind.

The sex I can live without, I’ve done so successfully for most of my single life. However, what I crave is an intimacy that I have only been able to find in a relationship. When I lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, unable to get my mind to rest, I crave the comfort of someone nearby – to have someone wrap an arm around me, and hold me as I sleep. And though my brief romantic stints has left me with some negative thoughts on relationships, and some very biased opinions, there are times when I’d trade anything to have that again. I have needed to feel loved and wanted without the sexual pressures, to be trusting, and open, and to be so close to someone in such an intense, physical way. This type of intimacy is something you can never have with a friendship, even the types of extremely close friendships that I do have (and ones that I am grateful for).

You go so long without something, you wonder if it will ever happen again. And though I’m happy with myself, and with my life, there are times when the night falls, and life quiets and I am left with my thoughts, that I ache to be held and to be loved. I wonder at times if what I have received in the past is all I shall ever receive, I wonder if my life will ever be graced with intimacy again.

It’s at moments like this that I can only hope.

"A Dark Room" by Saber Hodson aka midnightrelfections on


22 thoughts on “Singlehood and Craving Intimacy

  1. There’s always someone for someone. Just wait. He’ll come into your life when you leadt expect it. You should go out more. Go to bars. If you don’t do that, how do you expect to find a man? Maybe you’re just a selfish person, which is why guys avoid you. You need to improve yourself and make yourself worthy enough for a man. Men don’t care about looks. They only care about personality. If you’ve been a single woman for this long, there must be something wrong with your personality. Why focus so much on intimacy? Just enjoy being single and happy. Visit a park or listen to some music. If you feel unhappy, how do you expect a guy to like you? Just smile all day and don’t desire intimacy. There’s everyone for everyone, it depends on you. As long as you keep feeling down, it won’t change.

  2. I don’t think it’s fair that people have to suffer trying to find emotional intimacy only through relationships. It’s the deepest thing about us that majorly makes up who we are. Longing to be held and cuddled and caressed and hands held is something going way back instinctively in babies too. Even if the baby was emotionally deprived the need for intimacy is always there. The babies actually get underdeveloped and die without it. It has nothing to do with sex. It’s nurturing and stewardship. I’m horse crazy and so being around horses has led me to observe the same thing with horses. Animals and people actually need to be touchy-feely to thrive. And well there’s something about the bonding effect of sensing how someone values your very soul when you’re close to them, and the emotional comfort that comes with the physical comfort, surpasses understanding. Because we all need to be vulnerable without being or feeling victimized. And I think it does more than physical good. It’s healing for the soul too. Everybody is meant to be loved like they said in Dr.Dolittle lolz

      • I’m a guy too and I can totally relate. First of all, thanks to the author, what a well written piece! I loved your line about, “you guy so long without something and wonder if it will ever happen again.” It’s not the sex, it’s the desire, to feel wanted, the intimacy. Not having that is driving me nuts! And I’m married!

  3. Oh my goodness. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling. Such a strange and crofting feeling to know that you’re not the only person who had these thoughts – even if this post is from a couple of years ago.

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  5. Oh I totally understand. I found your post last night at like 2 AM when I was feel exactly the way you describe. It’s so frustrating because I feel like there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better in this type of situation. Reading your post helped a bit, though 🙂 Good luck!

    • Well I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling that way too, but it’s comforting to know that we’re not alone out there 🙂 I”m glad you felt a bit better too; sometimes life makes it feel like it’s impossible for things to get better, but they always do. Good luck to you too!

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  7. That was a bit sad … just know there is a special someone for all of us and sometimes the waiting makes him double special when he appears. Keep your smile for that day and I’m sure it will come very soon! Hugs!

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  9. That was a refreshingly honest post, which is often the best kind. You are able to express feelings that you’ve been holding inside and others get to know they’re not alone in feeling the same way.

    You are such a warm and loving person that I know you’re going to find someone, and when you do I just hope he knows how lucky he is to find you.

    • I don’t always do honest posts, because sometimes I just find it hard to verbalize my feelings. But I’m glad this one worked out so well!

      I hope I find someone too – and I know you will too (and I’m sure your person will have an accent of sorts lol)

  10. That was a very lovely and honest post. I know one day the right person will come along for you, and you deserve such a lovely and kind and warm guy, because you are such a giving and caring person.

    I hope you find that intimacy again, because who ever finds it with you will be such a lucky person. ❤

  11. Cherlyn, I have no doubt that either you will find him or he will find you. Loneliness and the mind can be so stressful and like you said, keep you tossing and turning. We are people who need other people. We want to be needed and loved and I can fully understand what you are going through.

    Still during this time you get to know yourself better and be a better person when the right one comes into your life. It’s good that you reconnected with your past and things are much better this time. More mature…

    I hope you find what you are or are not looking for. You deserve the best and I know you will get it.

    • Thanks Tom. I hope one day I find someone too. Most of the time this sort of thing doesn’t get under my skin, but the other night I felt compelled to write something from the heart.

      Hope you are doing well by the way! Thanks for stopping by!

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