As much as I’d like to pat myself on the back for being single, and for being a strong, independent woman who “doesn’t need a man”, there are moments that just make all my fronts and walls crumble. It’s not that I don’t have moments where I absolutely love not being in a relationship – the little things like not having to be “accountable” to anyone, to not have to constantly worry about what the other person thinks about, and all the little annoyances that come with the start of the new relationship. Or just being able to hang out by myself, do my own thing, to have my only focus be myself (which I admit, can be a bit selfish, but we all need to be a bit selfish once in a while). I do enjoy being single at times, but there are times when it becomes a heavy burden.
It’s just those little moments that kind of just happen, the little things I notice or think about when I’m alone that get to me. Like when I eat at a restaurant alone, and just try to remember what it’s like to be on a date. It’s been so long I’ve almost forgotten. To hold hands, the random hugs. Hell, even the lack of regular sex is something that has been trying to me as of late.
As I write this, I just had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend, whom I’ve reconnected with and have started to form what I hope will be a nice, mature friendship (and by the looks of it, it’s going very well, so I’m happy). This will probably be posted sometime in the future, when I’m not sure, but this was fresh in my mind, so I thought I’d write it before the feeling was hidden away again. We talked about relationships, and the topic of sex came up. We both realized that what we missed from relationships wasn’t the regular sex (though it is a very nice part of a relationship), but that we missed intimacy. And that’s when I realized that’s what has been eating me up lately, what has been plaguing my thoughts and mind.
The sex I can live without, I’ve done so successfully for most of my single life. However, what I crave is an intimacy that I have only been able to find in a relationship. When I lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, unable to get my mind to rest, I crave the comfort of someone nearby – to have someone wrap an arm around me, and hold me as I sleep. And though my brief romantic stints has left me with some negative thoughts on relationships, and some very biased opinions, there are times when I’d trade anything to have that again. I have needed to feel loved and wanted without the sexual pressures, to be trusting, and open, and to be so close to someone in such an intense, physical way. This type of intimacy is something you can never have with a friendship, even the types of extremely close friendships that I do have (and ones that I am grateful for).
You go so long without something, you wonder if it will ever happen again. And though I’m happy with myself, and with my life, there are times when the night falls, and life quiets and I am left with my thoughts, that I ache to be held and to be loved. I wonder at times if what I have received in the past is all I shall ever receive, I wonder if my life will ever be graced with intimacy again.
It’s at moments like this that I can only hope.