Living at home for the past few weeks has been trying, very trying. Since I’ve been living back in Burlington, I’ve noticed my patience being tested constantly. Some arguments with my parents, some disagreements with friends, and some drunken statements made to me have had me thinking for the past few days about my past, the angry side of myself.
To say that I was an “angry” person would be both correct and foolish. I don’t consider myself an angry person – but I will admit that I’ve been angry often in my past. Thinking about those awkward and uncomfortable years when I was younger, I can start to understand why I acted the way I did, and why certain people would have considered me an angry person.
I guess those who think I’m not as angry anymore are correct – I don’t express my frustrations as vocally as I used to. I believe time has taught me patience and tolerance. But I believe the most important thing I’ve discovered about myself is my growing apathy. Instead of getting extremely angry at something, I find I stop caring less and less. If I still get angry at you from time to time, you’re in the clear, because that means I still care. Each year that goes by I find it easier and easier to stop giving a shit, and to easily exclude someone from my life if I feel they are mistreating me or are just not acting like a friend. I think from all the times I’ve felt like I’ve alone, it’s made it easier to actually be alone now, and to just say “fuck it, I’m done with this shit” is a much more appealing option than dealing with people’s shit.
I know I’m not an angry person – but I am an insecure one. Insecurity plagues all of us from time to time, and to deny that fact is foolish and a blatant lie. Our insecurities may hold us back or they may motivate us, but they should never be denied – we need to face our insecurities to overcome them. When I was younger, I was extremely insecure – to the point of depression. I also believe people feel depressed from time to time, it’s just the constant change in our emotions; the extreme lows and highs. However, instead of doing anything bout my insecurities, I let them brew inside me, waiting to tip over. This is definitely one of the factors that contributed to my seemingly sudden bursts of anger in my teens. I would let something bother me until I could not take it anymore, and then I would burst, and often at something that wasn’t really that upsetting. And it wasn’t that I was angry, often I was sad, or upset, or frustrated, or just undeniably lonely. The anger is just a mask to hide what is underneath, because anger is an emotion that people pay attention to. People react to anger, and I suppose deep down, I just wanted people to react. Another factor that still greatly affects my anger from time to time is a disagreeable clash of personalities. No one is the same, and to keep company that is solely comparable to yourself would make life dull and uninteresting. One type of person that always tests my patience is one who cannot accept anyone elses opinion (of their likes, dislikes etc) but their own, and feels the need to antagonize those people. I have a number of friends who are like this, and my father is like this as well. And as much as I love all those individuals, it would be a lie if I said I never wanted to give them a switch, righteous punch in the face once in a while. And though I cherish these people, and respect their opinions – they do not, and probably will never respect mine. These type of people are very narrow-minded, stubborn, and at times very self-absorbed. Usually these type of people don’t get me angry to the point of me actually expressing myself, but a conversation with them will usually leave me annoyed for a while. Why do I keep talking to these people? Well, deep down I still care about them, and not all of them mean any harm, they just don’t consider anyone elses feelings – and I suppose I’ve just accepted that fact about them. When I was younger, I couldn’t accept this. I already had this overbearing feeling that no one listened, and no one cared – and people like this just reinforced this feeling. For anyone out there who used to think I was any angry person, or that I snap at them a lot – you’re probably one of these people. I care about you a lot in spite of this unbearable trait, and even though the lot of you may get on my nerves, if I really didn’t like you as a whole, I wouldn’t talk to you.
Do I regret the angry past of mine? Of course – but with each regret there is something to be thankful for. I regret ending a very good friendship with a friend before I left for college – but out of that regret, we had time to learn things about ourselves, and to continue our friendship later on when we were both more mature. I regret getting angry at some of my friends, and ending those friendships – but out of that I learned what I deserve in a friendship, and what I value. I regret letting my angry overshadow my real emotions – but perhaps if that never happened, I would feel weak, and still let those sorry assholes walk all over me.
This little explanation may not make sense – but I just felt I needed to explain myself. I’m sorry for wearing my heart on my sleeve, but that’s just who I am. The anger that you may see from time to time may be frustration rather than anger – and despite the fact that often the anger I’m feeling is stemmed from something another person has done, I will probably apologize. I may get angry, but I am human, and it doesn’t make me a bad person. If you think I’m getting angry – consider to yourself what I just explained; I am still an insecure person, and no one likes to feel like they are small and stupid. I can only tolerate so much before I take a stand, and if I tell you to fuck off, consider yourself warned that you probably had it coming.
If you piss me off enough, it would give me a good excuse to give you a FALCON PAWNCH!