Decaf Coffee is Kind of Like Kissing Your Brother

I’m finding myself to be a bit too irritable lately, even for my usual level of irritability.  It’s probably the excessive lack of sleep that’s doing it.  For the past three weeks especially I’ve been finding that I hardly get any sleep at night anymore, maybe one to two hours at the most, and usually not consecutively.  And it’s not like I’m one of those people who complain about being tired but stayed up until three a.m. or anything – nah, I’ll try to sleep around 11pm, earlier if I’m really tired.  But I keep finding myself tossing and turning, and completely unable to turn my brain off.  I’ll wake up every half an hour, for no particular reason either.   

I almost yelled at a lady from Mr. Sub at my school today.  I literally almost had a fucking spaz on her.  And she didn’t do anything wrong either.  I went to Mr. Sub to get a coffee because the line-up at Tim Hortons was a bit too long.  I normally would have waited, but I’m supposed to be doing homework at the computer lab before I go out tonight, but my mind just won’t wake up.  Anyways, excuse the rambling, but I didn’t want to leave my shit in the computer lab unattended – not like I have anything worth stealing, but that’s not the point.  So I went to Mr. Sub.   

I order my coffee, trying to seem as pleasant as I can, and the lady apologetically says that they only have decaf left.    

And that’s when I almost spazzed.    

Ok, let me just make one thing clear, I LOVE coffee.  It’s getting pretty high up on my priority list too, it’s just that damn important.  And I love the taste of coffee, it’s got so many subtle layers; I need, love, and most importantly, appreciate, a well made cup of coffee as much as a good fuck. It’s just that fucking good.  But then there’s the business side of my appreciation for coffee – the sweet nectar from heaven.  It’s the caffeine.    

When I have gotten approximately 10 hours of sleep in the span of 7 days, I need the coffee to function.  And considering how fucking tired I am, I need a lot of it.  A lot of coffee = feeding my addiction.  So I need it twice as badly.  It doesn’t even give me energy anymore, it just keeps me from passing out in class, or at work.  It makes me a bit more tolerable.   

When I have the need, there is no excuses.  I do not want decaf.  Ever.  Decaf is an abomination to coffee.  It is like kissing your brother for fucks sakes: it’s unnatural, it’s frowned upon, and overall it’s just wrong on so many levels – and anyone who likes it is a bit fucked in the head.    

The need is starting to consume me, and I’d rather risk losing my purse and my new jacket in the computer lab than go another fucking minute without a fucking cup of coffee.  Tim Hortons may have weak coffee, but at least they have real coffee, unlike that bastardized cousin of coffee that is called decaf.   

"Coffee" by MADemoseille on


4 thoughts on “Decaf Coffee is Kind of Like Kissing Your Brother

    • This post is really old – when I was in college. Though I would normally agree it would be the caffeine, at the time it was stress. If I cant sleep now its definitely the caffeine, but then again, I try not to have any after 4pm (unless perhaps I dont have to go to work early).

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