Stuck in “What If?” Limbo, and Liking Singlehood

I am absolutely loving this nice weather here in Ontario.  I got to go for a nice hour walk after a presentation today, and I’m craving another Iced Capp from Timmy’s.  I can feel the drool trickling down my chin as I type.  Delicious.    

As I was walking I was listening to music like always.  And one thing that music always does to me is make think about stuff.  Lately I’ve been listening to sad love songs.  I have absolutely no idea why because of course, they make me utterly depressed about my own love life. Lately I have been considering talking to someone who I’ve had feelings for much too long.  The last time I did I got shot down (in the nicest way possible…if that is even possible?).  And I’ve been considering talking to him for about three months now.     

9 crimes by katsu333 on deviantart.com

 

  

Anyways, I’m sipping my iced capp, listening to the song “9 Crimes” by Damien Rice, and the song starts out with “It’s the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you…it’s the wrong time, for somebody new”.  I know the song is really about liking someone while you’re with someone else, and probably cheating on the person that you’re with, but fuck it, the song evokes a strong emotion in me.  It gets a bunch of mixed up emotions in me – half of me is sad that I’m alone, that I haven’t had a real relationship…since I was about fifteen.  And the other half of me is kind of sad in a different way, because I don’t think I’m at the right place to even want a relationship.    

I’m at a point in my life where I literally don’t know what is going to be going on with me in a few months.  Will I be staying where I am now and working?  Will I be moving back home for a while until I don’t owe the equivalent of two new cars?  If I stay here will I move, will I get a new apartment, will I get a roommate?  I’m in what-if? limbo.    

So while I’m stuck in this limbo, what kind of possible relationship could I even imagine having?  Do I honestly think it will all just fall into place and everything will make sense?  I can wish, but I know my damn bad luck that it (or nothing else) will ever fall into place perfectly.  My life is one big jigsaw puzzle, where the pieces don’t quite fit in right, so you need to smack the hell out of them to get them to sort of fit.     

Thinking by Zdroksvetlana on deviantart.com

 

  

And then I get to the thought of “Do I even want a relationship right now?”  There’s always a part of me that wants to be in a relationship, to have someone to hold me, tell me they love me and all the gushy nonsense that us girls love.  Another part of me loves not having to explain myself to someone, to be able to go those few extra days without shaving my legs, to be out all night and talk to whoever I want, and to not worry about someone else all the damn time.  I like not having the drama that seems to be attached to relationships.  And you can argue that there isn’t drama in relationships, but from seeing what is going on with all of my friends (and gosh I love them), their love lives are far from perfect.     

I mean, what’s great about being used by guys – being told they want something more when they just want sex?  What’s great about having to explain that your friends are just your friends, and nothing more?  What’s so freaking great about worrying if your boyfriend is cheating on you, or if he thinks you’re pretty enough or good enough?  Sometimes I just don’t understand the appeal of a relationship.     

We get drilled into our minds by everyone around us that we need to be in a relationship to be happy.  And when I tell people I am happy alone they look at me like I’m fucking nuts.  And although part of my is lying, and that I do want to be with someone, part of me is telling the truth.  I like being single, because every god-awful-bullshit relationship or “relationship” of my past is just a reminder as to how unhappy I am with someone else.    

I strongly believe that everyone from the time they are fifteen and older, should spend at least one year or more of their young adult life being single.  If you can’t love yourself how can you even possibly love anyone else?  If you are so dependent on others to make you happy…well that’s just sad.   There’s absolutely nothing wrong with spending a day alone doing what you enjoy doing.  The way I look at it, if I want to spend the day going out for sushi, book shopping and out for coffee by myself, there’s nothing wrong.  And if I spent that day with someone else I probably wouldn’t enjoy it as much, because I am not focusing on what makes me happy,instead I’m using my energy to worry about the other person and if they’re having a good time.    

Maybe it’s just me, because I’m usually the giver of any relationship – friendship, family, romantic.  It’s always 80-20 (or sometimes 90-10), and maybe I’m just tired.  If I get a boyfriend, that’s just one other person who’s draining all the love I have out of me, while barely giving me anything in return.  And I do love my friends and family, but often I do feel alone.  It’s just a good thing that I’m used to it, so now I can live contentedly by myself.    

 

What-if? limbo may be a good thing for me, as fucking confusing as it is.  The more I try to add into my life while I’m still trying to figure out the details, is like trying to add more liquid to a cup that’s already full.  And although I really care about this friend that I want to talk to, I don’t know if I really want a relationship or not.  And there’s nothing wrong with it.    

I like being single, it lets me be me completely, honestly and freely.  I love me, I don’t know if I want someone else to take that from me.  It’d be like cheating on myself.    

One Happy Geek by poop-art on deviantart.com

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2 thoughts on “Stuck in “What If?” Limbo, and Liking Singlehood

  1. God you are so one the make even sober! And you and me are sameies I like being alone and I know those looks you are talking about! There is nothing wrong to have a night or you time, sometimes its exactly what you need!

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