It’s the first day back at school for me – it’s starting rather late I know. I’m drinking a latte in the computer room in D building – despite the fact that I’m not supposed to have one in there. Well the computer drink nazis can fuck me, I want my latte.
Of course on my first day back, some bad luck has to hit me. Mine and my locker-mate’s locker had its lock cut off. Kind of pissed me off, thinking “Way to go Fanshawe – fuck up some more”. Well it turns out someone had broken into the locker. Good thing there wasnt anything valuable in there, or I’d be more than just slightly annoyed and bemused. However, I got to thinking “Well, it’s just like February to throw things at me for no reason”. And it’s true, February and I do not get along.
Not a week ago, I got a virus on my computer. Not one of the small annoying ones either, one of the hard drive raping virus. So had to get my computer wiped, lost everything. Then comes my birthday. Surprisingly my birthday this year has been a good one, which rarely happens. So I think “February is giving me a break”. However, then I get a call from an ex, who I shall refer to as douchebag for the remainder of my life. He calls about once a year, and I don’t know why. I never get around to finding out because I hang up on him when I hear him say his name.
February is cold, it’s miserable, it’s got Valentines day, it’s got my birthday. It just sucks. It’s one more reminder that I’m alone, that I’m getting older, and as the weather continues to be cold and dry and miserable, I just want it to be over already. But when February roles around, he pops into my head, and it makes everything about February that sucks so much worse.
And above all else, that is why I can’t stand February. Every time I try to forget about him, and he is slowly leaving all my thoughts, something happens that makes his stupid face pop into my head.
It’s impossible to forget your first love, no matter how horrible they were to you, or how much you hated them. And it’s depressingly aggravating. Ever since doucebag came and left, I have become more cynical, more paranoid and far less trusting, especially towards men. I almost hate that my ex-friend dated him first, because if she hadn’t, I would have never met him.
He used to make me think that everything was my fault. And then I used to think that everything was his. And it’s somewhere in the middle of that. Not quite all one or the other. We were stupid, we were young. I was more mature than he was, because lets face it, girls mature faster than guys.
There’s not 100% particular reason why February reminds me of him. Almost all the months we went out were bad months. But February is the one I remember the most, and the one that won’t let me forget. Maybe it’s Valentines day, reminding me that I’m alone. And when everyone is all happy-lovey-dovey-gag-in-my-mouth, it just makes me think about all my previous relationships.
I don’t miss him. Only once after we broke up did I want to go back to him. But I’ve learned. And I suppose that’s the only positive of him that I can think of – he taught me a lot. Rather, I taught myself a lot because of him.
I learned that I’m beautiful no matter how much I weigh, and even though some assholes will call me fat and ugly, I am not.
I can be strong, because now when I feel threatened by a man, I take what I feel and turn it into anger. No man will hit me, or hurt me like that ever again without me hurting him 10xs worse.
I am capable of being alone. We place too much emphasis on being with someone, that it can become impossible to be alone for those people. I know that I can be single, that I can be by myself and still be happy.
Most importantly, I learned how to say no. It’s surprising to find that there are so many people who will not say no – or be contrary in any way. People lack conviction, and I am confident that if I don’t want to do something, that I can say no and mean it, and not fall under pressure.
So thank you douchebag – Julian Hagel. Thank you for treating me like crap and knocking me down so low that it took me four years to climb out of the hole you put me in. Thank you for making me feel so ugly that I never wanted to go out. Thank you for making me feel so fat that I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone. Thank you for hitting me. Thank you for making me feel alone. Thank you for making me feel worthless.
Thank you for doing all those things – because if you hadn’t, I would be a non-confident and weak person. If you hadn’t had been so terrible, hadn’t been such a fucking monster, I would have never learned that I don’t deserve to be treated that way, and that I don’t deserve to feel that way.
February reminds me of you, and I hate it because I don’t need you in my head to remind me that I’m so much better than you anymore. I’ve moved passed you, and I don’t need to think about you anymore. I hope that when I meet someone who is 20xs the man who you ever could be, and that when I am treated right, and am in a relationship more mature and committed than you could ever be in, I hope all reminders of you will cease. That the image of your face will be erased from my mind, and the sound of your voice will be foreign to my ears. That when I hear your name it will be unrecognizable.
And when that day comes, I will be confident that when I see you in the street, I can walk by you with confidence, as though you are the same “nothing” that you made me feel all those years ago.
One day February will just be another month – and one day February will no longer remind me of you.