31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 27

#27. Something I really hate about myself is…

I really hate answering these types of questions, because I find I’m the type of person to dwell on my negative attributes, obsess over them and become very unhappy.

But honestly, there are lots of things I hate about myself.  Some days I hate how I look, I hate that I’m fat, I hate that I’m short, I hate that I have a weird callous on my one finger, or that I have a cyst.  Some days I hate how unmotivated I am, how lazy I can be, how unproductive I am.  Some days I hate that I can’t sing, that I can’t dance, and that I can’t roll my “r”s.  I hate that I hate parts about myself sometimes, and I hate how easily other people can make me feel bad about myself. 

I think the best way to really answer this question though, is to say that: I really hate how I can let myself get bogged down with my imperfections, instead of embracing them.  Some days I do a really good job of this, some days not so much.  I guess it’s hard when people get hung up at my imperfections, because it makes it easier for me to become obsessed with them.

Really though, I don’t try to sit here and think “Gee, I hate me” - because I don’t.  It’s too easy to hate yourself, it’s too easy to just let everything overwhelm you and be unhappy.  I think that’s a really cheap way to go through life.  It’s much more fulfilling to work hard and feel something great in the end.

Poetry Thursday #33

Hurray it’s Poetry Thursday!  I’m very happy I actually made it to Thursday and had something to post.  For a good portion of the week I still felt pretty sick, and I haven’t been up for doing much to be honest.  But I’m glad to say I’m feeling a bit better, just a cough still (nothing I can’t handle).  Besides some silly emotional crap, I’ve been doing pretty well, so there’s no excuses for not having poems this week.  And I actually made myself sit down and write, and I’m happy I did.  Wow, that was very rambly, sorry about that.  Let’s just skip my rambling and get to the poems!  Let me know what you think!! 

Oh, and remember to check the Coming Soon page for upcoming posts!  Have a great weekend guys!

Plain
I am me, and I am plain,
and there is no beauty here
(that you have made very clear).
This fact does not cause me pain.
I still dance within the rain,
letting go of all my fear,
ignoring the hateful jeers.
It will not hurt me again.

Look past my face, see my eyes,
see a person you did not know.
There hides beauty deep below
lurking in this plain disguise.
Look beyond my larger size,
see my soul, see how it glows.
The skin never really shows
the truth; wait to be surprised.

“The Light” by Saber Hodson on deviantart.com

Deep In The Night
Deep in the night, within the sky:
Echoes of a forgotten cry.
The blood once spilt (a darkened stain),
Never washed away with the rain.
Memories of a buried lie.

A scar as one was left to die,
Left alone with their blood to dry.
The ground is tainted with their pain
Deep in the night.

With their concluding, lifeless, sigh,
Whispering their final goodbye,
Accepting fate, for they are slain;
In this life they cannot remain.
And with death they can learn to fly
Deep in the night.

“Lonely” by Lil-Noir on deviantart.com

Poetry Thursday #30

Wow – I’ve done 30 Poetry Thursday posts!  I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of myself.  I know there were a few weeks back when I had started this that I didn’t keep up with my poetry writing, but over all I’m really happy I kept up with it.  There’s something extremely cathartic about writing poems, and I know that they’ve helped me express some feelings and thoughts that I have had trouble expressing.  I hope I can have 30 more Poetry Thursday posts!

Two poems as usual, let me know what you think!

No Encore For Me
I’ll hide in the shadows,
shrouding my last breath of hope.
Forfeiting my chance, my time
within the spotlight.
No audience to see me,
no audience to applaud.
I am the understudy
to the main attraction -
to the star upon the stage.
And for all the talent,
all the great things
that make up my entirety -
none are as great as she.
For she has all that I have
and she has more than
I could ever hope for.
All that I am
is a cheaper, no-name brand
comparison to she.
And despite all my envy,
all my longing and pain,
I smile and applaud
from my lonely space backstage.
For she is admiration,
she is confidence and beauty.
She is everything
that I can never be.
And the show must go on without me.

"Hiding From Spotlights" by Faye Lacanila aka FayeYAHEY on deviantart.com

Bred in Captivity
Silence me if you must,
break me down, lose my trust.
Try to hold me back – I dare.
Try to push me into despair.
I can tell you, don’t even try -
you will never make me cry.
You are nothing, nothing at all -
I’m broken, but I can still crawl.
I won’t give you the satisfaction
to give you any type of reaction.
I can swallow all my rage,
I can escape from your cage.
When I am free, you will have no chance -
I’ll be gone without a second glance.

“Let Me Out” by Katiana on deviantart.com

Operation Pant Loss – Week 3/4/5 Summed Up

Good morning!  It’s been a while since I’ve updated about my operation of the pant losing sort (I have a number of other operations going on at the moment, it’s like I’m a spy). 

Overall I think that progress has been made.  Like I’ve stated before, this is definitely going to be a slow progress.  I know my body better than anyone, and if I lost a bunch of weight at once, I know I’d gain it back even faster than I lost it.  But overall I think I’ve made some definite positive progress.

The hardest thing for me is still eating junk at the end of the day.  I have gotten better, which is something I suppose, but I haven’t stopped completely.  I definitely know that when I get a steady schedule, that my eating habits will be a lot better.  Right now I have no schedule, so it’s hard to plan meals and eat around well, nothing.  I don’t eat when I’m bored anymore, which I’m very happy about.  That took a lot more will power than I’d probably ever openly admit in person, but I know that for that, I’ve gotten a lot better.  Now I find when I’m bored I’ve been reading, or going for a walk (depending on the time of day), or practising piano.  Anything to keep my mind occupied.  The late night one will definitely be tougher, because some days I don’t eat much throughout the day, and I don’t feel that nagging hunger poking at me until later in the evening.  But alas, I shall prevail!

I tried on a pair of jeans that an acquaintance from first year college had given me.  I probably wouldn’t have bought them, because they are a bit too long for me (well a lot too long for me, I have very short legs), and  are a very light blue denim, which isn’t the most flattering on me.  But oh well, they were free.  Anyways, they were quite tight when I originally got them.  Then I didn’t wear them as much in second year because I had gained a bit of weight.  Then throughout the summer and the beginning of third year I had lost some weight, and they were fitting quite loose.  I had to constantly wear a belt with them because I could not for the life of me get them to stay on my ass.  Well, stress and everything caught up with me, and I ended up gaining some weight, enough that I couldn’t comfortably wear them anymore.  Last week I tried them on, and they’re fitting quite loose again.  So hurray!  That’s what I love about jeans, they always tell you when you need to cut back on the chips.

Also, another happy clothing moment for me – I have a really cute jacket that I didn’t want to wear last year at all because I felt that it was too tight (which was completely accurate).  I tried that on the other day, and it’s fitting much better.  I still want to wait a bit, because I think with a bit of time it’ll fit like a glove again.

Hopefully I didn’t bore you!  But that’s how my operation is going with me.  I’ve been finding that I have a lot more energy, and also a lot more motivation to exercise.  Yesterday I could have taken the bus downtown to meet my friend for coffee.  Instead, I walked the 45-50 minutes.  Today I have to go to the bank.  I could wait for my parents to drive me later, but I think after I eat my breakfast and get dressed, I’ll walk the disgustingly uphill walk up to the bank.  Why?  Because I know I can do it, I used to do it all the time when I worked up that way, so I can do it now.  Laziness shall not prevail! 

Oh, on another note, I took a picture of my breakfast.  I love oatmeal, it is one of my favourite breakfast foods.  I never use that instant crap either – all real baby.  I like to put some frozen berries in when I start heating up the water, because by the time I add the oatmeal, the water is a really pretty purple colour, and the berries are nice and hot when the oatmeal is done.  Plus it really lessens the amount of brown sugar that I’ll want to add.  It’s deliciousness.  The picture isn’t the best quality because of a)lighting again (my house is dark during the day), and b)my parents camera is even worse than mine, which surprises me.  I’m only adding it because the picture looks kind of disgusting, which just goes to show you that sometimes the weirdest, sometimes most unattractive things can really be the yummiest (and as a bonus, sometimes very good for you).

And with that, have a great day and a great week!

Operation Pant Loss – Week 2

Before I get going on this post, I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone that a guest post of mine will be hosted on the amazing blog Morning Erection authored by Tom Baker.  It will be posted on  Saturday, September 4th; it’d be great for everyone to stop by, have a read, and give your opinion too!  Also, I’d really recommend checking out Tom’s site as well, because it’s a great read, and there’s something for everyone there. 

I’ve decided that after this week I’ll be posting updates on my Operation every other week, or whenever I feel it’s a good time to make an update.  I have a feeling for the first little bit it’ll be slow and steady, and it’s going to involve me getting used to a few things.  

One thing that I need to change about my eating habits is not eating when I’m bored at night.  Usually by 10pm I’m bored; I’m not quite tired, but pretty relaxed.  It’s the end of the day and I’m just settling in for the night.  I get bored, it happens to a lot of people.  Usually I’m very bad for making a bag of popcorn or having a bowl of ice cream.  Well, I’m saying no more to that.  My metabolism slows down by that point of the night (like most people), I’m not getting up and doing much, so I’m not burning off any of the energy I’m consuming.  So no more late night bored snacking. 

And on that matter, I know it’ll be tough to battle my occasional day-time boredom snacking, so I’m going to try very hard to reach for an apple or a piece of fruit when I’m bored during the day.  I’m also going to start taking a few almonds and carrot and celery sticks with me when I’m going out for errands.  Usually when I’m out I pick up a coffee on my way somewhere (or on the way back), and after running around and bus-hopping all day, I usually get the rumblies (that only hands can satisfy, teehee).  Often, I’ll buy more than just a coffee – whether it be a cookie, or even worse, my kryptonite – chips.  

I think overall I’ll be able to catch on pretty quickly with that, it’s not like I have a lot of money right now anyways, so my wallet will be happy too. 

Today I made something I haven’t had in a while – a fruit smoothie.  It is hotter than Hades’ butt-crack today, and our air conditioner is broken for the next few days.  I’m just trying to think positive, because lots of people don’t have air conditioning, so I’m just going to make due.  However, I am not a happy person when my clothes stick to me or when my face gets all sweaty (was that too much information?), so I thought a smoothie would be a nice way to stay cool.  Plus, I got about three-four servings of fruit in this bad boy. 

The No-Fail Smoothie Ratio: 

  • 1/2 cup – 1cup orange juice or fruit juice of your preference (I use about 1/2 cup most of the time because I usually only have one glass of it) – oh and try to make sure it’s a healthy juice, watch out for added sugar, preservatives and stuff you can’t pronounce.  I always go with orange juice, because I love it (I’m pro-pulp by the way).
  • A few handfuls of frozen fruit.  Today I used two handfuls of frozen blueberries, and one handful of frozen raspberries.  Keep in mind, I have extremely small hands, so about 1 handful of a normal person sized hand is about 2 of mine.
  • 1 fresh fruit.  Mostly I use bananas, because we always have them in the house, and because they just go well with most fruits in my opinion.  Kiwis are very tasty too.  I’d go with something with a lot of flavor, maybe something tropical or a berry type of fruit.  I find apples, pears, and most melons like watermelons or cantaloupes are just too watery for this smoothie.  If you want to use them, maybe only use half.
  • 1/2 cup yogurt – any flavour.  I usually use fat-free vanilla, because again, that’s what we usually have.  If you have just a plain yogurt, throw in a tsp or two of honey to taste.

And then just blend them all together.  These are great if for a bit of an energy boost, getting some extra fruit into your day, and are just mighty tasty.  Normally I have a smoothie before I go for a nice long walk.  If you have any other smoothie recipes for me to try or you want to share with anyone else, feel free to leave them in the comments below! 

Doesn't that just look mighty tasty? Look at all the blueberry bits!