31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 23

#23. Something I would change about myself right now is…

Ah, so many possible answers.  On another day I may say something about my appearance, but to be honest, I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, so I think if I were to answer this honestly I’d have to say I’d change my job.

This isn’t to say I dislike my job in any way, it’s just that I went to school for a specific thing, and that’s what I want to do with my life.  I feel like the longer I’m out of my field, the harder it will be for me to get in.  I’ve been trying to get in, but have been having very little luck as of late, so it’s been a bit discouraging.  So if I could change one thing about myself right now is that I’d make it so I was working my field, for a job that will give me experience and skills to further my career.

Oh, and another possible answer, is that I’d make it so I could have a boyfriend :P.  But, I guess I already used my figurative wish, so darn!

One Chapter Ends, A New One Begins – Lets Hope This One Has Some Explosions

I’m sitting at the Starbucks on Richmond and Dundas, drinking a delicious cafe misto (with hazelnut, yummy!) waiting for the next four and a half hours to go by.  

As of right now, my parents are probably just unloading the truck in Burlington, with most (but not all) of my furniture, clothes and other crap that I probably don’t need but have anyways.  Why am I still in London?  Well, there’s a few reasons for that.  First being that the truck my parents rented only has two seats.  Second being that there was absolutely no room for me to sit (unsafely might I add) on either my couch or my awesome Captain’s Chair.  Fucking G20 is preventing me from getting home at a decent hour, as no trains until 7:30pm are leaving towards Toronto.  Fuck you G20.  

Anyways, with my time to kill, and my handy Laptop (appropriately named Bill), I thought I would reflect and update my blog – for any of those who a)actually read this and b)actually give a damn.  Well this blog has never been for anyone other than myself, so I suppose it shouldn’t make a difference.  

It still hasn’t quite hit me that I’m not going to be living in London anymore.  And though it’s not the greatest city I’ve ever been to, it’s been my home for the past three years, so that has to mean something.  The past few weeks have been a strange combination of hectic and so fucking boring that I wanted to gorge my eyes out with a spoon for something to do; obviously with that I’ve been a bit confused, tired, and all together apathetic.  But with my graduation I felt a sense of pride, and also strangely, uncertainty.  Though I’m sure that I’m finally headed down the right path, I was overcome with this feeling that I’ve finally grown up.  

I’ve always been more mature than a lot of my peers, and often people mistake me for an older age (I’m still scarred by someone guessing 32 when I was 19…let’s just say I never wore that outfit again).  Despite my occasional bitterness towards teenagers and my bitching towards “parents who can’t raise their kids”, I’ve always felt young, childish and a bit immature.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that of course, life can’t be all about responsibilities.  However, after my second college graduation and my second diploma, a thought came into my mind that I wasn’t sure how to handle: “I’m done.  Now what am I supposed to do?”  

There has always been that plan – that goal to fulfill – and that goal had a name: school.  Finish school.  It kind of chugged along in my brain, steady and surely; like a train motoring along, but instead of “I think I can I think I can”, it was “Finish school finish school finish school”.  And now that I’ve accomplished that goal, my next goal seems small and easily attainable – which is to get a job (which I’m sure I will). And I’m very relieved and proud that I’ve graduated (twice), and that I’ve accomplished my goal without quitting (despite my sobbing phone calls to my mom during finals). However, my life as I can remember it has always been defined as that of a student; someone who was preparing for adulthood, to leave the nest, and to start their adult life.  

My student chapter of my life has finally ended, and I’m a bit unsure of how to approach this new chapter.  The possible goals for me to have are endless, and I suppose with all the freedom at my fingertips is a bit overwhelming.  All the questions invading my mind fill me with anxiety and curiosity, fear and anticipation all at the same time: “What should I do with my life now?”, “How am I supposed to continue with my ‘adulthood’ when my friends are not quite there yet?”, “Where will I be in five years?”.  

"A New Chapter Begins" by klitzekleine on deviantart.com

 

The problem with me is that I always want to have an answer.  Things seem easier, simpler, when I know the answer to them.  And the problem with this new chapter in my life is that there is no answer, no right and wrong.  I have always been in a position to follow, to question, and to listen – but now as this chapter in my life closes, I have to find the ways to lead, to answer, and to teach.  It’s all a little overwhelming.  I hope there’s enough coffee to sustain me.  

And though I’m frightened of this new chapter I’m starting, I’m very excited.  And despite any hesitation I might feel, I know that I can be strong enough to prevail.  All that I’m hoping for is that this new part of my life brings me something more than what my previous chapter did.  Maybe some romance, maybe some excitement, and maybe some sight-seeing.  It’s almost as though my life is a book – and this last chapter was good enough, but the next one has all best parts.  As long as there aren’t any sparkly glowy vampires in the next chapter, I’ll be set.  

"Twilight Sucks" by yamiakito on deviantart.com