It Has Been a Long Time

So, how’s it going?

I had a lot of plans today to write a long-winded, probably pretentious post about what’s been going on with me and my life.

First problem: the hydro for my building is supposed to be off for the day.  So I packed my bag and laptop and headed downtown to get my post done.

Second problem: my laptop is inexplicably not working. Great. So here I am writing this post on my phone, and I have decided to make this post exceptionally shorter than originally planned.

Since my last post, I have graduated (yay!); been single, taken, dumped, single, and actively dating (or trying to) in the span of 6 months, and job hunting.  I have lost 25 (ish) pounds since I started trying to lose weight in December,  and I am determined to keep trying despite the summer’s demand for alcohol and goodies.

I have been meaning to write, even if only for myself, but life has a funny way of sucking the creativity out of me. After the passing of my uncle and my break up last summer I focused on school, neglecting my friends. Once fall came, school was more demanding than before and I spent most of my free time studying and working.  I studied so much, my best friend even had test nightmares. But eventually I managed to finish school (with honors, yo), and have been making a big effort to spend time with my family and friends.

Dating has been the expected disappointment that it usually is, and have decided this shall be my pre-Mark D’Arcy Bridget Jones summer. I want to find a job I am passionate about, focus on my health and happiness, and part of that is focusing on hobbies and interests I have neglected.

I have lost some friends along my way (both online and in real life), but I hope to make it up to those who stuck around  and to any new people who come into my life.

So, here’s to new beginnings!

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I’m all around on the interests, find me on instagram – username is cursemymetalbody.

My Break-up Playlist & Other Heartbreak Cures

I’ve been putting off updating my blog for quite some time now.  I guess I’ve gotten so used to trying to hold everything in, the idea of expressing myself on my blog seemed frightening.  But alas, loneliness triumphs over fear, and even if no one reads this post, I’ll feel like someone out there listened.

Love can really stink, can’t it?  Not that I’m knocking love, or hate people in love, I’m just saying it can really blow sometimes.  Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, losing love can hurt in so many ways it’s hard to express. 

The problem with breaking up is that everyone deals with it so differently.  I have one friend who eats chocolate for two weeks.  I have one friend who’ll start working out hardcore.  I think everyone has something they go to when they feel like they have no where to go.  Having been dumped recently (I think they call it “dumped” because you feel like someone took a messy shit on you and left you to clean it up), I’ve attempted to explain how I try to get over whatever is causing me pain.

I use these techniques whether it’s a break-up, a fight with a friend/losing a friend, grief over loss of anyone for that matter, as well as stress in all forms. This method is still in the works, because obviously I’m not perfect and don’t always deal with my issues the best – I am only human after all.

The first thing I do is to take at least a week of being alone.  I know some people out there may be really confused, but when I go through heartbreak (especially being dumped), I need massive space.  I don’t mind people asking me how I’m doing, but other than that, leave me alone.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate the love and support of my friends and family, its just that when I’m upset, I’m so conflicted.  Ever feel like everything will make you cry?  That’s me, except I also have a weird problem where I hate showing weakness.  So when I feel like I need to cry, but I don’t want people to be around me, I get agitated.  It’s no one’s fault but my own, it’s not the best way to deal with things – but the reason I do this is because expressing how I feel never makes it feel better to me.  Talking things through just makes me relive them.  What I want to do when I first break-up is to take some time in my room where I can cry freely and be alone.  Lets not forget the fact that I’ve been dumped, and I’m embarassed because I feel foolish that I didn’t see it coming, and that everyone around me probably did.

While I spend those first few weeks creating a nest in my bedroom, I listen to music….soo much music.  I have created a list of my break-up playlist must haves – songs that just know how you’re feeling.  Sure, some of them might make you cry harder and feel worse, but sometimes you need to throw yourself a pity party (but not for too long).  A lot of these songs are cliche, and some of them aren’t even that good, but they really help cure what ails me.  Here’s my playlist:

As you can tell, there’s quite a mix in this list – some sad, some angry, some uplifting.  I’m past the very sad “Someone Like You” phase of my break-up, but I’m not quite to the “Single Ladies” part of my break up.

I’m in an inbetween clusterfuck of emotions, which is the second phase of my break-up – I’m not quite ready to talk about how I’m feeling but I also don’t want to be alone.  It’s a hard situation because I want people to be there, but I don’t know how to ask.  And I haven’t been fair to my friends, I shouldn’t expect them to know what I want from them, or how I’m feeling – they’re just humans too.  Beneath all the smiles and laughs and telling people I’m all right, I know I’m not there just yet.  I know that I’ve been losing my temper and haven’t been dealing with my shit right. 

Is there a right way to get over someone?  Probably.  It’s hard when I’m at the phase where every past insecurity is coming back to haunt me – where I keep asking what I could’ve done better, what I did wrong, what’s wrong with me.  I ask and I get answers like “nothing”.  It feels like I’ve pushed people away and I really question the validity of peoplie’s answers.  If there’s nothing wrong with me, why don’t I have someone in my life?  If there’s nothing wrong with me, why do my friends hide from me?  I’m questioning everything and everyone, I’m confused and frustrated.  I know I haven’t been dealing with my frustration and my pain well, I don’t need anyone to tell me that to know it.  I guess I hope that the friends who really do care about me will forgive me as I’ve forgiven them through their hardships, and the ones who don’t – well maybe we’re all better off.  Space and time to reflect can heal all wounds.

During this confusing phase, which to me is almost worse than the first few weeks, I like to try to reevaulate my goals in life.  As I try to figure out what’s wrong with myself, I try to fix the things I can.  I make a new list of goals, I eat better, I go for more walks – I spend a lot of time thinking and figuring out what I can do for myself in the future.

I know I’m rambling hardcore right now, and maybe I decided to write today because I felt like on today in particular I had no where else to go.  Feeling alone, and knowing that some of that loneliness is at the direct cause of my actions or words – knowing that I fucked things up – it can be heartbreaking on its own.  Maybe I decided to write today as my last final act of my pity party, because I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I’m sick of people feeling sorry for me.  Maybe I decided to write today because anyone out there who feels similar to me, I want you to know that I know deep down that pain goes away, that the best person to rely on when you feel down is yourself and that we can control how our life turns out.

I think ultimately I’m writing today because I want to get into the my last phase of the break-up – the phase where I’ve accepted it, it doesn’t make me sad, and I don’t feel alone.  I don’t know if writing this post makes anything better, but feeling like I’ve gotten some of those emotions out that I have a hard time expressing does help.  I don’t have the sympathetic faces of the people reading it to bother me, I don’t have the cliche advice that means nothing, I don’t have people trying to set up dates for me or tell me that everything will be ok.  Ultimately, I want to know for certain that it will be ok, I want to know that things will be better.

As far as the playlist goes – definitely check out some of the songs, some are really good.  When I’m feeling down, I also:

  • Watch a LOT of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  • Go for more walks
  • Lose myself in a video game or a book
  • Write to myself

Who knows when I’ll feel like writing next, so until then, take care!

 

30 Days of Blogging Honesty + 1 Dare – The Dare

All right, all right, I know – it’s way past the cut off for the dare.  Since I’m ending this extended month of honesty, I might as well be honest: I forgot to do a dare.  I had started writing a letter to my 16 year old self after I realized I forgot my dare, and ended up not liking it, and thought it was kind of too easy.  And then as the days went on, school started again, I really didn’t want to do a dare.  Whenever I played truth or dare with my friends back-in-the-day, I almost always picked truth because I really don’t like doing dares.  I don’t like feeling obligated to do something I normally would never do, and I don’t like being pressured into doing something like that.  So, yeah, I put it off because I don’t like dares, and it’s probably the one thing of this meme I didn’t want to do.

I ended up doing the category: Blushing.  The Dare entails: Spend an hour by yourself totally naked even if there are other people in the house but only if you won’t get caught. If you get interrupted you must start over and reset the clock to zero minutes.

I actually did this one twice, although technically the second time doesn’t count.  It was surprisingly easy – my parents don’t come bother me while I’m upstairs much, so I ended up just sitting in my room watching X-Files.  Pretty easy actually.  I got cold and put my jammies on though after about an hour and a half.

The second time doesn’t really count because I suppose technically I got “caught”.  I say technically because my interpretation of the dare was to be alone and naked.  Well, lets just say I spent amount of time naked with my boyfriend.  Good times, good times.

I hope everyone enjoyed the 30 Days,  I know near the end it was hard for all of us to visit eachother’s blogs.  But this year was a great turn out and it was really great getting to know everyone!

30 Days of Blogging Honesty (+1 Dare) – Day 30

“One question or subject matter if I were asked here on 30 Days of Blogging Honesty I know I would refuse to answer or definitely lie about is…”

I wouldn’t say “lie” per se, but rather just avoid the subject or not answer the question – and those topics would be:

  • Explicit details regarding my sexual life – it’s no one’s business.
  • Real details about whether or not I’ve done anything illegal.  Not say I have or haven’t, just that my blog is public and I don’t want to say anything that could possibly incriminate me for a future job.
  • Talk freely about close friends and family while giving away large details of their personal lives.  I’ve mentioned a few names here or there, but I’m not going to go on about where a friend lives or anything.  Just not safe.
  •  I would tone down my religious, political and other touchy subject points of view.  I’ve in the past made a few rants about politics, but I won’t anymore.  I hate reading it when someone starts getting all pushy with their opposing sides of view, and I won’t do that to anyone else.  Even if I think you’re a stupid moron for what you believe in, there’s no point in me saying that – this isn’t what my blog is about.

I think that’s it, just really big stuff.  I guess I am a pretty honest person, but I think there are some things about me that should not be shared on this website.

Wow, 30 days have passed, and I can’t believe I actually stuck with it.  I have been very bad about going around and commenting, but I still intend to go to every participant’s blog and catch-up.  It’s still fun to hear everyone’s answer, and I’ve gotten to know quite a few lovely people in the process.

Thank you for all those that participated, and I look forward to seeing the rest of everyone’s answers as well as their dares!

“Speak” by StevenChunky on deviantart.com

The most up to date list available of participants: Nicole, Last Civilized Woman, Bannatreasures, Sajeev, Happyhippierose, Aurathena, Melanie, Marliz3e, TheFerkel, Prysmatique, AnonymousBurn, Caroline, Koi, Sylvia Garza, Mariana, Nenskei, MyNakedBokkie, Bluefiadiarries, VeehCirra, Princesa Musang, DLonelyStar, LJ, Terriblethinker, Sleep and Salami, Primadonna Zel, and Tom Baker. NSFW Sites: Everything Love & Lust, TemptingSweets99, Sofia.

30 Days of Blogging Honesty (+1 Dare) – Day 29

“My television is showing the same show on every channel.  I really don’t mind watching ___________ (from the 1960’s) and I really loves this show because…”

Note: I realize it’s Thursday, but I only had two posts left so I figured I may as well just finish up the 30 Days so I’m not so behind!

Some people out there may not know this, but I actually really enjoy older television shows.  They’re so much better than some older movies (sorry but some older movies are just too campy for my liking – not all…just the ones my parents watch I guess).  But I love the older television shows, I used to watch them a lot when we had a different cable package.

It’s hard to pick one show I wouldn’t mind watching to be honest.  My first thought was the original Batman show – you know, the one with Adam West.  That show is awesome, it’s so silly and hilarious, and I honestly used to watch reruns of it on Space channel with my brother every day one summer when I was younger.  Another obvious choice would be the original Star Trek show, I’ve seen quite a few of the episodes, but not all of them like my TNG.  I’d definitely give it a watch now, so I don’t see why I wouldn’t mind watching it if nothing else was on TV.  And my last top pick would be the Carol Burnett Show.  I love this show, and I wish the reruns were on tv again, because I can’t even describe how much I love this show.  Carol Burnett is one of my most favourite female comedians and this show is just absolutely hilarious.

Some other choices I’d have to pick though would be:

  • Bewitched
  • I Dream of Jeannie
  • The Beverly Hillbillies (I already watch reruns of it now)
  • Get Smart
  • Hogan’s Heroes
  • The Fugitive
  • Maverick (my parents recently showed me the tv show, and I love it!)
  • Outer Limits
  • The Twilight Zone
  •  The Addams Family (although, it’s not a long show like some of the others, so I may get bored of it quickly)
  • The Bugs Bunny Show (yay for real cartoon violence without the damn censorship it gets now)
  • The Flintstones
  • The Jetsons

The most up to date list available of participants: Nicole, Last Civilized Woman, Bannatreasures, Sajeev, Happyhippierose, Aurathena, Melanie, Marliz3e, TheFerkel, Prysmatique, AnonymousBurn, Caroline, Koi, Sylvia Garza, Mariana, Nenskei, MyNakedBokkie, Bluefiadiarries, VeehCirra, Princesa Musang, DLonelyStar, LJ, Terriblethinker, Sleep and Salami, Primadonna Zel, and Tom Baker. NSFW Sites: Everything Love & Lust, TemptingSweets99, Sofia.