I’ve been putting off updating my blog for quite some time now. I guess I’ve gotten so used to trying to hold everything in, the idea of expressing myself on my blog seemed frightening. But alas, loneliness triumphs over fear, and even if no one reads this post, I’ll feel like someone out there listened.
Love can really stink, can’t it? Not that I’m knocking love, or hate people in love, I’m just saying it can really blow sometimes. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, losing love can hurt in so many ways it’s hard to express.
The problem with breaking up is that everyone deals with it so differently. I have one friend who eats chocolate for two weeks. I have one friend who’ll start working out hardcore. I think everyone has something they go to when they feel like they have no where to go. Having been dumped recently (I think they call it “dumped” because you feel like someone took a messy shit on you and left you to clean it up), I’ve attempted to explain how I try to get over whatever is causing me pain.
I use these techniques whether it’s a break-up, a fight with a friend/losing a friend, grief over loss of anyone for that matter, as well as stress in all forms. This method is still in the works, because obviously I’m not perfect and don’t always deal with my issues the best – I am only human after all.
The first thing I do is to take at least a week of being alone. I know some people out there may be really confused, but when I go through heartbreak (especially being dumped), I need massive space. I don’t mind people asking me how I’m doing, but other than that, leave me alone. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the love and support of my friends and family, its just that when I’m upset, I’m so conflicted. Ever feel like everything will make you cry? That’s me, except I also have a weird problem where I hate showing weakness. So when I feel like I need to cry, but I don’t want people to be around me, I get agitated. It’s no one’s fault but my own, it’s not the best way to deal with things – but the reason I do this is because expressing how I feel never makes it feel better to me. Talking things through just makes me relive them. What I want to do when I first break-up is to take some time in my room where I can cry freely and be alone. Lets not forget the fact that I’ve been dumped, and I’m embarassed because I feel foolish that I didn’t see it coming, and that everyone around me probably did.
While I spend those first few weeks creating a nest in my bedroom, I listen to music….soo much music. I have created a list of my break-up playlist must haves – songs that just know how you’re feeling. Sure, some of them might make you cry harder and feel worse, but sometimes you need to throw yourself a pity party (but not for too long). A lot of these songs are cliche, and some of them aren’t even that good, but they really help cure what ails me. Here’s my playlist:
- You Oughta Know - Alannis Morissette
- The Last to Know – Three Days Grace
- I Gave You All - Mumford and Sons
- Don’t Speak - No Doubt
- Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson
- Hurt - Johnny Cash
- Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely – Backstreet Boys (Shut up…I used to love them…)
- Single Ladies – Beyonce
- So What – Pink
- I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself - Nicky Holland
- All by Myself - Celion Dion
- Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt
- 9 Crimes – Damien Rice
- Rolling in the Deep – Adele
- You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
- Someone Like You – Adele
- Broken Vow - Josh Groban
As you can tell, there’s quite a mix in this list – some sad, some angry, some uplifting. I’m past the very sad “Someone Like You” phase of my break-up, but I’m not quite to the “Single Ladies” part of my break up.
I’m in an inbetween clusterfuck of emotions, which is the second phase of my break-up – I’m not quite ready to talk about how I’m feeling but I also don’t want to be alone. It’s a hard situation because I want people to be there, but I don’t know how to ask. And I haven’t been fair to my friends, I shouldn’t expect them to know what I want from them, or how I’m feeling – they’re just humans too. Beneath all the smiles and laughs and telling people I’m all right, I know I’m not there just yet. I know that I’ve been losing my temper and haven’t been dealing with my shit right.
Is there a right way to get over someone? Probably. It’s hard when I’m at the phase where every past insecurity is coming back to haunt me – where I keep asking what I could’ve done better, what I did wrong, what’s wrong with me. I ask and I get answers like “nothing”. It feels like I’ve pushed people away and I really question the validity of peoplie’s answers. If there’s nothing wrong with me, why don’t I have someone in my life? If there’s nothing wrong with me, why do my friends hide from me? I’m questioning everything and everyone, I’m confused and frustrated. I know I haven’t been dealing with my frustration and my pain well, I don’t need anyone to tell me that to know it. I guess I hope that the friends who really do care about me will forgive me as I’ve forgiven them through their hardships, and the ones who don’t – well maybe we’re all better off. Space and time to reflect can heal all wounds.
During this confusing phase, which to me is almost worse than the first few weeks, I like to try to reevaulate my goals in life. As I try to figure out what’s wrong with myself, I try to fix the things I can. I make a new list of goals, I eat better, I go for more walks – I spend a lot of time thinking and figuring out what I can do for myself in the future.
I know I’m rambling hardcore right now, and maybe I decided to write today because I felt like on today in particular I had no where else to go. Feeling alone, and knowing that some of that loneliness is at the direct cause of my actions or words – knowing that I fucked things up – it can be heartbreaking on its own. Maybe I decided to write today as my last final act of my pity party, because I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself. I’m sick of people feeling sorry for me. Maybe I decided to write today because anyone out there who feels similar to me, I want you to know that I know deep down that pain goes away, that the best person to rely on when you feel down is yourself and that we can control how our life turns out.
I think ultimately I’m writing today because I want to get into the my last phase of the break-up – the phase where I’ve accepted it, it doesn’t make me sad, and I don’t feel alone. I don’t know if writing this post makes anything better, but feeling like I’ve gotten some of those emotions out that I have a hard time expressing does help. I don’t have the sympathetic faces of the people reading it to bother me, I don’t have the cliche advice that means nothing, I don’t have people trying to set up dates for me or tell me that everything will be ok. Ultimately, I want to know for certain that it will be ok, I want to know that things will be better.
As far as the playlist goes – definitely check out some of the songs, some are really good. When I’m feeling down, I also:
Watch a LOT of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Go for more walks
Lose myself in a video game or a book
Write to myself
Who knows when I’ll feel like writing next, so until then, take care!