31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 22

#22. As to whether or not I have ever contemplated giving up on life, my answer is…

Yes.  I think that thought of “would people really notice if I were gone” has crossed the thoughts of many people, whether it be for just a split second, or for a thought that lingers on longer than it should.  Maybe a year ago I would never admit it, but now, I do, I admit that this thought has crossed my thoughts before.

There was a time in my life where I felt like I was very alone.  I lived in a home of endless noise, cramped into a place to live with people who talked over one another, never to be heard.  I had many friends, and at one point I trusted nearly none of them.  The feelings I had continued over to my first year of college, which is when I ended contact with quite a few people, out of frustration, or out of apathy.  Some people stopped talking to me, and I stopped talking to others.  And though I did have friends, and had people around me that I cared about and loved, I felt very alone still. 

Eventually I dug myself into a hole, and I came to a point where I felt like I could continue digging – and dig myself a grave, where I would truly be with my loneliness, my doubts, and my unhappiness.  Or I could climb out of the hole, go through these struggles alone, and hopefully come back to sturdy ground ready to ask for help.  I don’t want to go into details about what happened, but I feel that as I struggled to climb, I did see the “light” (so cliché I know).  And things seem brighter now than they ever have.

Sure, I have those bad days, or weeks, or months, where it feels like it’d be easier to just start digging again, to shut down and give up.  But ultimately, I don’t like quitting, I don’t like giving up.  I’m one of those people who will sit there and untangled a bunch of wires or clothes hangers for hours on end, a task many may have given up on, just because I know that with patience I can do it.  Sure, it’s a pain in the ass, and I’m doing it on my own, but when it’s done, I feel accomplished with it.  I kind of approach my life that way.  I don’t mind taking the time to work on my life, even if it feels like it’d be easier to give up sometimes, because I know there’s something better to work towards.

"Hope" by Andy Slade aka andyslade on deviantart.com

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8 thoughts on “31 Days of Blogging Honesty – Day 22

  1. Life isn’t the same with you so far away I can’t imagine not being able to send you an e-mail or call you on the phone (which I will be able to do soon)

    Your stronger than you give yourself credit for somtimes. making the decision on your own to climb out of the hole you were digging. That takes alot of strength.

    Lots of Hugs- love and miss you

    • I know! I miss not being able to pop into your room and talk about random stuff, no one does that here :(.When you get your number lemme know, I’ll add you to my fave 10 :)

      I think I can be strong, I think I just psyche myself out sometimes lol

  2. It is really hard to read this because I could never think of life without u, but it is one of those things that I believe most people go though at points in their lives.

    Again, I am happy that u are as you say on solid ground again, and it is true u are the type of person that will continue to ‘untangle’ life and work through it, and I am always there to work through it with u. Love, love, love you!!!

  3. Oh, dear, sweet Cherlyn! Where should I start from? This will be a long comment, I’m warning you in advance!

    It was really sad post to read, so I won’t be clicking the LIKE button here! Not because I didn’t like the way you put your words together and made me feel, but because I can’t like a post where someone had such thoughts.

    Never, ever think again you should give up life! Never! Whatever the reasons! And that’s an order! If you feel like digging again, fight it! And you know you can always come and talk to me, I know distance is not much of a help, but still, who knows I might get on the plane to Canada :).

    I’ve been there, in the exactly the same state you described here, few times actually. I never thought about giving up on life, I was always :” Come on pain, hurt as fast as possible, let me get through it and continue with my life”. Because we all know you have to live the pain so you could forget about it afterwards …

    As I know it’s easy to be the one to give advice, when it comes to practicing and applying the wise speech of the person in front of you, there is the real challenge, but just know, things always get better, as long as you keep the hope!

    Hugs!

    • Aww, you’re super sweet Blaga. And don’t you worry, I don’t plan on digging anymore. I’ve had my munks and funks, but for the most part I’m pretty content with where I am, and glad that I can come out of the bad moments.

      I’m glad to know if I need to talk to someone though, I have people like you in my life who care enough to listen! It’s a big improvement for how things used to be :).

      Thank you for the lovely comment, you’re a sweetheart!

      Hugs!

  4. Cherlyn, I am so thankful that it was only ever a thought. Never give up, never surrender! Life is too precious and you are much to special.

    If you ever need to talk, I am here for you. I love the image too.

    • Well, for the most part. There’s a lot I left out, but since that time of my life, those thoughts haven’t come back, so I’m happy about that.

      Thanks Tom! You’re a sweetie :)

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