As much as I’d like to pat myself on the back for being single, and for being a strong, independent woman who “doesn’t need a man”, there are moments that just make all my fronts and walls crumble. It’s not that I don’t have moments where I absolutely love not being in a relationship – the little things like not having to be “accountable” to anyone, to not have to constantly worry about what the other person thinks about, and all the little annoyances that come with the start of the new relationship. Or just being able to hang out by myself, do my own thing, to have my only focus be myself (which I admit, can be a bit selfish, but we all need to be a bit selfish once in a while). I do enjoy being single at times, but there are times when it becomes a heavy burden.
It’s just those little moments that kind of just happen, the little things I notice or think about when I’m alone that get to me. Like when I eat at a restaurant alone, and just try to remember what it’s like to be on a date. It’s been so long I’ve almost forgotten. To hold hands, the random hugs. Hell, even the lack of regular sex is something that has been trying to me as of late.
As I write this, I just had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend, whom I’ve reconnected with and have started to form what I hope will be a nice, mature friendship (and by the looks of it, it’s going very well, so I’m happy). This will probably be posted sometime in the future, when I’m not sure, but this was fresh in my mind, so I thought I’d write it before the feeling was hidden away again. We talked about relationships, and the topic of sex came up. We both realized that what we missed from relationships wasn’t the regular sex (though it is a very nice part of a relationship), but that we missed intimacy. And that’s when I realized that’s what has been eating me up lately, what has been plaguing my thoughts and mind.
The sex I can live without, I’ve done so successfully for most of my single life. However, what I crave is an intimacy that I have only been able to find in a relationship. When I lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, unable to get my mind to rest, I crave the comfort of someone nearby – to have someone wrap an arm around me, and hold me as I sleep. And though my brief romantic stints has left me with some negative thoughts on relationships, and some very biased opinions, there are times when I’d trade anything to have that again. I have needed to feel loved and wanted without the sexual pressures, to be trusting, and open, and to be so close to someone in such an intense, physical way. This type of intimacy is something you can never have with a friendship, even the types of extremely close friendships that I do have (and ones that I am grateful for).
You go so long without something, you wonder if it will ever happen again. And though I’m happy with myself, and with my life, there are times when the night falls, and life quiets and I am left with my thoughts, that I ache to be held and to be loved. I wonder at times if what I have received in the past is all I shall ever receive, I wonder if my life will ever be graced with intimacy again.
It’s at moments like this that I can only hope.
"A Dark Room" by Saber Hodson aka midnightrelfections on deviantart.com
December 11, 2011 at 12:05 am
[...] so it’s not you, it’s me. I think the truest form of myself you can find is on the post Singlehood and Craving Intimacy. As far as my poems go, they also hold the truest form of myself I’ve ever shared on my blog. [...]
February 21, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Oh I totally understand. I found your post last night at like 2 AM when I was feel exactly the way you describe. It’s so frustrating because I feel like there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better in this type of situation. Reading your post helped a bit, though
Good luck!
February 21, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Well I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling that way too, but it’s comforting to know that we’re not alone out there
I”m glad you felt a bit better too; sometimes life makes it feel like it’s impossible for things to get better, but they always do. Good luck to you too!
January 8, 2011 at 11:10 am
[...] Most Heartfelt Post Singlehood and Craving Intimacy tied with February Reminds Me of You and I Hate It – these two were probably the most honest [...]
January 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm
That was a bit sad … just know there is a special someone for all of us and sometimes the waiting makes him double special when he appears. Keep your smile for that day and I’m sure it will come very soon! Hugs!
January 10, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Whoops i thought i hit post comment when i responded.
*hugs* – thanks again for your kind words. I’m sure there’s someone out there for both of us
December 30, 2010 at 9:43 pm
[...] Comments « Singlehood and Craving Intimacy [...]
December 29, 2010 at 1:39 pm
That was a refreshingly honest post, which is often the best kind. You are able to express feelings that you’ve been holding inside and others get to know they’re not alone in feeling the same way.
You are such a warm and loving person that I know you’re going to find someone, and when you do I just hope he knows how lucky he is to find you.
December 29, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I don’t always do honest posts, because sometimes I just find it hard to verbalize my feelings. But I’m glad this one worked out so well!
I hope I find someone too – and I know you will too (and I’m sure your person will have an accent of sorts lol)
December 29, 2010 at 12:22 pm
That was a very lovely and honest post. I know one day the right person will come along for you, and you deserve such a lovely and kind and warm guy, because you are such a giving and caring person.
I hope you find that intimacy again, because who ever finds it with you will be such a lucky person. <3
December 29, 2010 at 5:12 pm
I hope so Ryan! Until then I’m glad I have friends like you
December 29, 2010 at 8:02 am
Cherlyn, I have no doubt that either you will find him or he will find you. Loneliness and the mind can be so stressful and like you said, keep you tossing and turning. We are people who need other people. We want to be needed and loved and I can fully understand what you are going through.
Still during this time you get to know yourself better and be a better person when the right one comes into your life. It’s good that you reconnected with your past and things are much better this time. More mature…
I hope you find what you are or are not looking for. You deserve the best and I know you will get it.
December 29, 2010 at 8:22 am
Thanks Tom. I hope one day I find someone too. Most of the time this sort of thing doesn’t get under my skin, but the other night I felt compelled to write something from the heart.
Hope you are doing well by the way! Thanks for stopping by!